my first love letter

Originally Published: January 1, 2016

I wasn’t going to send this because I wrote it awhile ago late at night after I took a shot or two. But now it’s new years, and it’s 5 in the morning, and I would rather say something and wish I hadn’t than say nothing and wish I had. So, if you still look at my tumblr, and you want to take the time to read this, this is for you.

I know I said that I’d talk to you later, but I think that was just my way of avoiding saying goodbye. I think I decided that I just need some time. Time, I guess, to let go of some things and forget some things and move on. I spent a lot of time thinking about you these past two years. So, I guess I just needed some time to stop. And maybe, in a little while, we can be friends if you’re still up to it. You can tell me how you’re doing and some crazy senior stories and where you’re going to college. Or maybe not. Maybe that was it, and we’re not meant to talk again. I just know that I need some time to let go.

Alright. So, love letters are super awkward when people aren’t actually in love, so that’s not what this is. I guess this is just a lot of what I never had a chance to say.
Here we go I guess:
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry for wasting so much of your time.
I’m sorry that we didn’t work out.
I’m sorry I kept trying to force it. I kept hoping that if I cared enough about you, you would care about me too.
So, I’m sorry for wasting two years trying to make something happen that wasn’t meant to be.
But, thank you. Because if anything, I’ve learned new things about myself and what I want and what I deserve.
You were the first guy I ever genuinely liked, and it was mostly because in so many ways, you were the person I wished I was.
And maybe that’s the wrong reason to care about someone, or maybe it’s the right reason. But either way, thank you for teaching me more about what being that person means and the good things and bad things that come with it.

Honestly, letting go was harder than I imagined it would be. I always thought that college would come, and we’d go our separate ways, and you’d always just be this mystery in the back of my mind.
But instead, it was kinda cut short.
And maybe it was overdue, but I kept hoping it wasn’t, and that everything was still okay.
I spent so much time thinking about you in a certain way, and now, I’m not allowed to think about you like that. And I think that’s the hardest part about moving on: having to change the way you think about someone.

I always kinda felt like I cared more than you did, and for awhile, it felt like our timing was always a little off.
It’s like the world was telling me that we were never bound to work out, but I was too oblivious to notice.
So, I’m sorry for trying to force it.
I’m moving on now.
Trying to. And someday, I’ll wake up, and I won’t remember what it’s like to like you.

But thank you for the memories.
We never had many, but the few are enough.
I was never perfect, and neither were you, but I’m going to misremember you for all the good things.
I never want to look back on this and regret it or regret you,
so I’m going to take time to forget about the bad things,
and I’m going to misremember you.
And I can only hope that you can do the same for me too.

I think you were always looking for reasons for us not to work.
And maybe I did the same thing.
And I don’t know why.
Maybe that’s why our timing was always a little off.
Maybe you’ve just unconsciously never wanted us to work.
Or you didn’t think you were supposed to like someone like me.
Or maybe there’s other girls.
Or maybe the future just doesn’t have room for us.
Or maybe you’re just scared of love.
But, you were always looking for reasons for us not to work.
So, let me just say:
If you keep looking for reasons not to stay,
you’re going to keep finding them.
So, what I want most for you is to be willing to let yourself fall.
Someday, you’re gonna find her. or him. or whoever you’re looking for.
And they’re going to be everything you ever imagined.
And you need to promise yourself that you’ll let yourself be vulnerable.
You can be scared.
But you can’t hold back.
Give them your everything.
Because you’re never going to find them if you keep looking for reasons to not fall in love.
Or you will find them,
but you’ll keep letting them slip through your fingers if you keep finding things that could go wrong.

I’ve told you I don’t believe in soul mates, and you told me the same thing.
Although it sounds nice, there’s not going to be anyone that fits into your life perfectly.
It shouldn’t be hard.
But it’s not always gonna be easy.
Because there’s always gonna be things that could go wrong.
But you gotta find someone that’s worth the risks.
But you’ll never find them if you don’t let yourself fall.
So, if you find them, don’t give up on them.
Show them you love them as much as you can, and don’t let that flame die.
I know that you want a happily ever after
with kids and a marriage where you’re together for the rest of your lives,
but you’re never gonna have that if you don’t give people chances.
So I hope you find her,
or whoever you’re looking for.
And I hope they’re everything you’ve ever wanted.
And I hope you let yourself be vulnerable, and give it everything you’ve got.
And I hope that even if you find holes,
even if there’s a million reasons not to stay,
I hope you find a million more to stay.
And I hope it all works out,
and you can live out your happy ever after.
And someday, you can text me or email me or call me, and you can tell me about how you got your degree, and you found the one, and she’s pregnant with your second kid.
And maybe you hit some rough patches, but you made it through.
I really hope you get your happiness.
I really really hope you find her.


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