story time

Originally Published: August 14, 2016

Tonight, I nearly killed a man.

Since my anxiety was really bad today, I went for a drive this afternoon for like 45 minutes and it helped for the most part of the day. But I decided that before I came home tonight, I would go for another short drive because I spent a lot of time with people, and my anxiety was kinda getting worse. So, I’m going for a drive and my anxiety is like.. a little better, but I feel like I really just need to take a deep breath.
Okay, so before I say this, I realize how incredibly stupid it is. Even doing it, I realized how dumb it was. I honestly was just desperate to make my anxiety go away.
But, I took a breath and closed my eyes for a second.. as I was still driving.
And I was being careful(ish) about it. I made sure there were literally no cars around, no turns, a clear shot, nothing to hit.
And it helped. It made me feel better. So when I had a chance, I did it again. Maybe for 2 seconds. And then I did it again.
It was a clear shot for a mile. No cars in front, none behind. No intersections coming up. It was a 5 lane road with two lanes for each direction and a turning lane, and everything was clear. Or so I thought.
So, I took a breath and closed my eyes. And I didn’t open my eyes until I counted to 3.
Not even a second after I opened my eyes, I saw the silhouette of an old man in my headlights. He was walking down the middle of my lane. Not crossing the street, just walking straight down it, favoring his cane. I swerved into the middle lane, coming within about 2 car lengths of hitting him.
If I would’ve chosen to close my eyes only 2 seconds later than I did, I likely would have hit him. And at 45 mph, I likely would’ve killed him. I would be charged with manslaughter. And that fast, my entire future would have changed.

There are a couple obvious results from this:
1-I’m not gonna close my eyes again. I might not even blink tbh.
2-That drive clearly did not help my anxiety. I’m not sure driving ever will help now.

But, there is one thing that I am grateful for: after I got home, I had the most sincere prayer that I have ever had.
It could have just been luck, but I have never felt a higher power protecting me more than I did tonight.

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